How to buy an engagement ring

Alone on V-Day? Well you are probably thinking of proposing and are in need of a ring. You could use the internet to order but know nothing about rings and are far more willing to let the person at the ring store dictate how much additional money you will spend. So go to the ring store. But read this how-to guide first because find the perfect ring can be a daunting experience.

Once in the ring store you should stand around and look at what you think are engagement rings whilst being ignored by wispy women wearing so much jewellery it looks like they raided the Cave of wonders from Aladdin. Add an inch or so of makeup and you have a typical staff member, otherwise known as Blinged up makeup monsters  or  BUMM. After 5 minutes of awkwardly standing around, walk over to the watch section of the store where a polite and incompetent holiday staff member will ask if you need assistance.  Inform them you are looking for an engagement ring. For about half a minute they will look at you with confusion and surprise. Not because you have a girlfriend, but because this is the watch section of the ring store. You should have gone to king of knives.

This is a good time to self-assess your entire life because you think a junior temp is judging your entire existence. The silent stare-off is broken as he tells you he will get one of the makeup monsters to help you with that. He will shuffle over to one of the BUMMs and whisper in her ear while making a deflated attempt to distinguish you from the other plebs in the store. “The gentleman over there in the torn skinny jeans and the t-shirt that says FBI – Female Body Inspector. No not that one, the other guy, with the cheezel stains on his face and the mismatched socks and crocs”. Spend approximately 10 full seconds staring blankly at the lady. (Note: This time you are most definitely being judged.)

After this she will hover over to you and ask you to follow her. The BUMM will ask you what you have in mind for an engagement ring. Your knowledge of diamonds and rings pales in comparison to your knowledge of everything else important – politics, history, the entire discography of Len and how many packets of Mi-Goreng you need to sustain yourself for 1 entire week. Politely reply that you would like to learn more about engagement rings. If you are feeling particularly alert try to spot whether she dies a little inside because she has to spend longer near you, or if her eyes light up because she can give you a ticket to the ‘take all my money train’. Usually it is one or the other, but in rare cases it can be both.

Note #2: If you are in a hurry than this following section can be skipped as it outlines the different aspects and qualities of a ring that makes more money go away.

Colour: Like grades in school they range from A-Z. With a Z grade typically being a premature diamond or in lamens terms a lump of coal. At the top end of the scale is A grade, these are so incredibly rare that only a few lucky people have seen them. And lucky they weren’t! Some say that if you gaze upon a Grade-A diamond that the light is so intense that it turns your eye’s into dollar signs and you are tragically left blind for the rest of your days.

Clarity – How clarit the ring is.

Cut – how the diamond is cut, or, the % chance the wearer has to cut things with it. A well cut diamond has 50% chance to do deep wound damage.

The Rest – Did you actually read this section? Oh man, it was just filler. Just skip to the next section.

Once these have been explained to you and forgotten it’s down to business. How much do you want to spend? (Tip: It isn’t enough). Give the BUMM your price limit and allow further judgement as she raises her eyebrow and shows you one in your budget. It should look something like this:

The next option will be a Grade-Z ring, but as a savvy buyer and boyfriend you know that coal isn’t technically a diamond. The third and often final option is the ring you buy. It is out of your price range, scores well in the quality criteria and it’s shiny. Girls like shiny things, so do magpies. Magpies are birds. Sometimes girls are called birds. I digest…

Sizing time. Now that you have the perfect ring for the significantly other person in your life you should congratulate yourself on being awesome.  The next step is getting the size kind of close so that when you propose it will fit on her sausage finger. The universal law of ring sizes states: One of your fingers is probably the same size as her ring finger. Probably the pinky, that sounds about right.

This information is vital if you want to reduce the time of your next interaction with the BUMM. Her soul piercing eyes will look at you with contempt and resentment as they ask “do you know what her ring size is?” Quickly and monotonously blurt out that it is the same size as your pinky finger while simultaneously moving your arm towards her face with your pinky outstretched. Not only will she be impressed by your knowledge of the universal law of ring sizes, but she will also be terrified of your actions, speech and overall demeanour. This speeds up the entire interaction.

Payment! Now if you recall, you made a terrible decision and have gone severely over budget in the name of a compressed mineral. Actually paying for it will instill a new wave of fear because your card limit doesn’t go that high and ring stores traditionally don’t accept Guzman Y Gomez cards. The best thing to do is make a deposit and over the coming weeks/months you can drop by the store at your leisure to make payments. During these visits you have the opportunity to mentally deconstruct your decision to buy this ring. As well as this you will have many more interactions with the BUMM who sold you the ring. Ensure that you are dressed appropriately for the occasion, you do not want to be under dressed like before. That  FBI shirt did not win you any favours. Try wearing your good t-shirt that says “I’m an Organ Donor – I donate it every chance I get” on the front.

Eventually the ring will be yours and you can start to worry about the proposal. With all this information firmly imprinted in your brain you are ready to go out there and get the perfect engagement ring for that special someone. Remember that a diamond lasts forever, so it will be there long after you are both dead.

But hopefully after a long and happy life together.

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