Oh hello friends, please take a seat and prepare for the not as good sequel to honeymoon memoir – Cradle 2 the Mountain, starring me as both Jet Li and DMX.
As my +1 and I were fanging it through the beautiful countryside I was instilled with a sense of hunger. I had eaten all the road trip oysters (which proved difficult driving at 110km/hr through a semi-alpine highway). There were still no ‘best foods’ since we had left Freycinet and its natural splendour behind. Spying a lonely inn we decided to pull in and suppress at least one of my primal urges. I often have trouble remembering things, and sometimes have to make shit up. But I’ll forever remember that pub as having the best Borscht ( beetroot soup originating from the Ukraine) in all of Tasmania. So if you are ever in the middle of Tasmania, be sure to stop in at the…what was it called? I forget, dammit.
After taking our fill of Borscht we quickly exited due to fear of ghosts. Luckily we wouldn’t actually be haunted until the end of our adventure. The remainder of the drive was pleasant as we sped through an amazing variety of landscapes – lowlands, midlands, highlands and inbetweenlands. The 30-foot tall gates & electric fence that marked the entrance to the lodge seemed out of place, but the friendly park ranger informed us that Jurassic Park was filmed there and it was there to stop the dinosaurs getting out. It made sense but I had my doubts about the legitimacy of her claims.
The cabin itself was very suitable to my needs as it had a toilet AND a minibar. After reading all the spa treatments that I wouldn’t get we set off on an afternoon walk. I was hoping to see the wombats as I heard they were all around and I’m a massive fan of their music, but all I saw were trees and waterfalls.
The entire stroll was a complete failure as no wombats were seen and I wasn’t going to chase waterfalls. It was time to drown my sorrows; this was the lowest point in the 4 days of my married life and 10245 days of my regular life. After drinking (insert amount of alcohol that would make me seem cool) 3 whole beers, I went for a second walk to clear my mind. Wouldn’t you know it! A wombat was lining up for a spa treatment, or maybe he was just eating grass. I told him he was beautiful and we became best friends and fist bumped goodbye.
With my mood substantially elevated, +1 and I prepared for an elegant evening by drinking champagne and talking politics. The debate raged and by the end of the bottle we came to the conclusion that at least 60% of politicians are actually anthropomorphic reptilians wearing disguises made from human skin. In the case of the Greens party, an organic substitute is used, probably hemp. Dinner maintained the high standards that Tasmania had set in the food & drinks department. I pretended I knew something about the wine list and dropped various meats onto my shirt and pants. To round out the evening we went to the lodge bar, sipped a whisky and mercilessly beat a small child in a game of pool. High 5’s were used to celebrate the defeat of a kid that had noticed my meat stains. We decided to call it a night, which it was.
The following day was a little chilly, the thermometer read – 273.15°C so we spent the day playing chess and an outdated version of trivial pursuit whilst consuming enormous amounts of red wine.
Our final day at the lodge arrived and we decided to visit Dove Lake. What I saw was a natural fucking masterpiece, rolling clouds gave way to glimpses of Cradle Mountain in the distance. There was however, a distinct lack of doves and in my opinion Delfin’s lake-centric housing estates were still the benchmark of the lake industry. We walked to a rock and lost several digits to frostbite. As I was snapping icicles off my person I realised that we hadn’t fanged it anywhere in 2 days. Using what was left of my toes I ran to the rental car and turned the heating on. Defrosting gave me a moment to reflect on my time at Cradle Mountain; I had seen a wombat, made a mess at dinner, beat a kid and correctly guessed Martina Navratilova in every sports question in trivial pursuit. As we pulled out of the car park I looked back at the mountain and a smile spread across my face. My +1 looked at me and said “must go faster”, that’s when I saw the T-Rex chasing us…